“You have really good posture. No, I’m serious. I’m really impressed.” (2005)

“I want to be President of the United States…and you, my First Lady.” (2006)

“When I become a state trooper, I’m gonna arrest you for reckless driving and bring you back to my place…” (2008)

state trooper or not, I ain't going anywhere with you!

I’ve been fed some hysterically bad pick-up lines, but the worst attempt was not without a dash of good ol’ reverse psychology:

Once upon a time, I was hanging out (it wasn’t a date) with a new friend TT, when he tried to…you know what, I’m not sure what he was trying to do. Instead of being straightforward and telling me something along the lines of “hey, I like you”, TT expressed the sentiment in an incredibly roundabout fashion.

The background scoop – during a girl’s night out a few months prior, my entourage met and befriended TT and his friends. TT put the moves on a fellow gal pal, but he was sent on his not-so-merry way when she told him she was in a committed relationship.

Fast-forward: after a sunny day of hanging out, i.e. exploring the cultural sights of the city, TT and I literally stumbled upon a seedy, Chinese karaoke watering hole and decided to enjoy an apéritif.  Oh come on, I have to class it up a little! Once perched atop bar stools cracking open peanuts and nursing whisky gingers, TT and I start to chat about our mutual friends.

Fast-forward another minute into this tête-à-tête, and TT broaches the night we all met:

TT:      “So, I don’t know if you know this, but that night, I tried to ask your friend out.”

Me:     “Yep, I know.”

TT:      “OK, well, when we first saw you girls, we were calling dibs, and I had dibs on your friend. But once she told me she had a boyfriend, I backed off. I’m not that kind of guy. I would never get in the middle.”

Me:     “ok…”

Me: “…………………………….why………. are you telling me this?”

TT: “I want you to know that after your friend, I thought you were the next most attractive. I still do.”

Lord, I crack myself up just reliving these moments. Pure comedy. And I swear I’m not clever enough to make this stuff up. Now onto the serious business:

Look Ma, I got SECOND place!!! And boy, what a great build up!! Menfolk – how you square away your wooing arrangements “amongst the guys” is your business, so DON’T tell the object of your desire how the nitty-grit went down. Although TT gets points for truthfulness, they’re revoked because he was unnecessarily frank.

TT and his crew objectified the crap out of me and my friends. Dibs! How about a bidding war for the flock of sheep? Or stock of chickens? Shiny bales of hay? Who’s the shiniest of them all? At least now I know I’m second shiniest. And of course, we do not have any of our own thoughts and feelings to form an opinion about the men zeroing in.

I'll take the redhead on the far left

Oh darn, I’m coloring outside my own lines. I can’t care about the objectifying because I’m not supposed to know about it! So objectify your hearts out. You’re entitled to. Just don’t tell your…target…that you did with her. Understood?

Alright, I’ll amend that rule just a tad. I suppose you may share with your primary objective that according to you, she’s the most attractive of her group. It’s flattering, but not the classiest maneuver since you’re pitting her against her friends and vice versa. Show exclusive interest in her, and everyone will know you are attracted to her “best”.

The rule, however, stands strong for your secondary objective, if you’re going to have one. Don’t tell her about the rock paper scissors, pulling straws, or what have you that occurred beforehand. Don’t tell her that you ranked her and her friends and only moseyed on over because you were shot down from the reigning rank. Don’t tell her she’s second best because any self-respecting woman will see right through the compliment-cloaked jab.

In this case, I just wanted to stay friends. Ultimately, it wasn’t possible because TT’s intention from the start was to get with someone. Anyone. He’d aimed for best, and played a hand with runner-up without getting to know either one. Of course I thought that he genuinely started to like me, but we were still strangers to one another and he didn’t appear interested in getting to know me for me. If ever the case, direct your efforts towards cultivating a solid friendship to determine whether a potential (and reciprocal) romance could result. If so, don’t mention previous attempts with her girlfriends, bite the bullet, and disclose your warm and fuzzy feelings.

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