No cappuccino love from KJ!

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Terrible question, isn’t it? Oh, precious dollars and cents. Parting with it is such sweet sorrow…

However, parting with a potentially worthy girl will guarantee regretful sorrow, so it’s worth the initial investment to pay up, especially on the FIRST DATE. Here are two personal examples of epic fails :

Last year, I agreed to a coffee date with KJ, whom I met through a dating site. We chatted for a bit and he seemed cool – a biochem Ph.D. student at Cal who enjoys biking. The following ensued chez le cafe : KJ ordered first, and moved off to the side. He did not ask me what I would like to drink, so I proceeded to order. As the barista said, “that’ll be $3.25”, I hesitated for a fraction of a second, sneaking a quick glance over to the reality of KJ playing with his Iphone. I stalled just a little bit more by digging for my wallet and reluctantly handing over my sleek black credit card. Oh yes, I put the coffee on my card to see if KJ would actually let me do something that absurd. He did.

Last week, I went on a coffee-turned-lunch date, initiated and amended by CO. This time, CO let me order first. However, as I proceeded to the cashier, I noticed that he did not accompany me. While I was ordering, CO finally arrived by my side…and ordered from the next cashier over. Sun dried tomato and goat cheese pizza? $8. Charging it to my Mastercard as a reminder that no, he did not pay or offer to pay for my lunch on the lunch date that he suggested? Priceless.

No second dates, though they’ve asked. Why? Because gentlemen,  you reap what you sow. Among other disqualifications, KJ and CO sowed nothing, so they will reap nothing. From me, anyway.

Disclaimer (finally!): I am not a gold digger, lookin’ to hook herself up with a flush sugar daddy. I have a career profession. I’m independent. I’m a feminist (holla to my women’s college alma mater!), and I’m proud that I am financially able to care for myself, e.g. pay for my meals. In any case, we can perhaps discuss equality on the going dutch thing when womens’ salaries match mens’ across the board. In the meantime, CHIVALRY SHOULD NOT BE DEAD.

Isn't that a steal for 8 dollars?

  1. I met KJ and CO on dating sites. DATING. This typically means people are not looking to become “just friends”; they’re searching for potential girlfriends. boyfriends. romantic partners. that special someone. their other half. This hikes the standards up just a notch. So it ain’t casual son, there’s a protocol.
  2. Am I going to go there? Yes. Coffee – $3.25. Pizza – $8. For god’s sake, my concealer costs $13. My mascara? $13. Nail polish? $9. And all this from Walgreens. What about the ladies that purchase their go-to items from department stores? NARS bronzer, $40. Bobbi Brown cream eyeshadow, $36. Perfume, $90. My point? The lady invests in the fact that the gentleman is attracted to her. And honey, no matter what anyone  says, attraction ain’t free to maintain. The gentleman should pay for the first date because he appreciates her and her efforts.
  3. If the gentleman asks the lady out, he has a responsibility to follow his invite through.  I wasn’t the one who initiated – KJ and CO pursued me. If I’m special enough to catch their eye, I’m special enough to merit a cappuccino. Sorry, but it was not a privilege for me to just bask in their presence.
  4. Not only did KJ and CO not pay, but they also did not offer to. A casual, “hey, I got this,” or “don’t worry about it, it’s on me,” is the polite thing to say. That way, you can justify having been generous. It is now her decision to accept or refuse from the guy with good manners.
  5. Again, I’m not on a dating site to find new friends. I have enough friends to go dutch on the town with. And guess what? Even my “just friends” treat me to a drink on occasion and pitch in for my birthday dinner. A date is a special occasion, even if it’s “grabbing coffee”, so make an effort to acknowledge that.

To wrap this up, KJ and CO were so smitten that KJ suggested getting lunch at one of his fave restaurants, and CO wants to go on a mission to try different cuisines. Sorry boys, but you’ve both left me wondering whether I’ll have to shell out again, and your other qualities didn’t redeem from the original faux pas.

Golden Rule – You must invest in order to yield a return.

Last thing: the opposite issue occurred with TB (more lessons from him in future entries!). He e-mailed to tell me that he would be paying for our first (lunch) date. Please do not do that. Though considerate, it is impolite to directly address money matters. When the bill comes, just reach over and take care of it.