“You have really good posture. No, I’m serious. I’m really impressed.” (2005)
“I want to be President of the United States…and you, my First Lady.” (2006)
“When I become a state trooper, I’m gonna arrest you for reckless driving and bring you back to my place…” (2008)
state trooper or not, I ain't going anywhere with you!
I’ve been fed some hysterically bad pick-up lines, but the worst attempt was not without a dash of good ol’ reverse psychology:
Once upon a time, I was hanging out (it wasn’t a date) with a new friend TT, when he tried to…you know what, I’m not sure what he was trying to do. Instead of being straightforward and telling me something along the lines of “hey, I like you”, TT expressed the sentiment in an incredibly roundabout fashion.
The background scoop – during a girl’s night out a few months prior, my entourage met and befriended TT and his friends. TT put the moves on a fellow gal pal, but he was sent on his not-so-merry way when she told him she was in a committed relationship.
Fast-forward: after a sunny day of hanging out, i.e. exploring the cultural sights of the city, TT and I literally stumbled upon a seedy, Chinese karaoke watering hole and decided to enjoy an apéritif. Oh come on, I have to class it up a little! Once perched atop bar stools cracking open peanuts and nursing whisky gingers, TT and I start to chat about our mutual friends.
Fast-forward another minute into this tête-à-tête, and TT broaches the night we all met:
TT: “So, I don’t know if you know this, but that night, I tried to ask your friend out.”
Me: “Yep, I know.”
TT: “OK, well, when we first saw you girls, we were calling dibs, and I had dibs on your friend. But once she told me she had a boyfriend, I backed off. I’m not that kind of guy. I would never get in the middle.”
Me: “ok…”
Me: “…………………………….why………. are you telling me this?”
TT: “I want you to know that after your friend, I thought you were the next most attractive. I still do.”
Lord, I crack myself up just reliving these moments. Pure comedy. And I swear I’m not clever enough to make this stuff up. Now onto the serious business: 
Look Ma, I got SECOND place!!! And boy, what a great build up!! Menfolk – how you square away your wooing arrangements “amongst the guys” is your business, so DON’T tell the object of your desire how the nitty-grit went down. Although TT gets points for truthfulness, they’re revoked because he was unnecessarily frank.
TT and his crew objectified the crap out of me and my friends. Dibs! How about a bidding war for the flock of sheep? Or stock of chickens? Shiny bales of hay? Who’s the shiniest of them all? At least now I know I’m second shiniest. And of course, we do not have any of our own thoughts and feelings to form an opinion about the men zeroing in.
I'll take the redhead on the far left
Oh darn, I’m coloring outside my own lines. I can’t care about the objectifying because I’m not supposed to know about it! So objectify your hearts out. You’re entitled to. Just don’t tell your…target…that you did with her. Understood?
Alright, I’ll amend that rule just a tad. I suppose you may share with your primary objective that according to you, she’s the most attractive of her group. It’s flattering, but not the classiest maneuver since you’re pitting her against her friends and vice versa. Show exclusive interest in her, and everyone will know you are attracted to her “best”.
The rule, however, stands strong for your secondary objective, if you’re going to have one. Don’t tell her about the rock paper scissors, pulling straws, or what have you that occurred beforehand. Don’t tell her that you ranked her and her friends and only moseyed on over because you were shot down from the reigning rank. Don’t tell her she’s second best because any self-respecting woman will see right through the compliment-cloaked jab.
In this case, I just wanted to stay friends. Ultimately, it wasn’t possible because TT’s intention from the start was to get with someone. Anyone. He’d aimed for best, and played a hand with runner-up without getting to know either one. Of course I thought that he genuinely started to like me, but we were still strangers to one another and he didn’t appear interested in getting to know me for me. If ever the case, direct your efforts towards cultivating a solid friendship to determine whether a potential (and reciprocal) romance could result. If so, don’t mention previous attempts with her girlfriends, bite the bullet, and disclose your warm and fuzzy feelings.
Hahahaha I’m a fan of the state trooper comment. I bet that actually works for the guy sometimes…:)
Most definitely the most entertaining one I’ve come across! I had to bite my lip from laughing b/c he was serious. about becoming a state trooper, anyway!
Did you ever see ‘A beautiful Mind’? The dude won a nobel prize for his theories on economics based on the exact thing you’re talking about. He was saying that you always shoot for the 2nd hottest girl in a group because if everyone goes for the hottest, the girl won’t go for it, and all of her friends will feel snubbed and not want to get with any of your friends and no one is happy. If you and all your friends shoot for the second tier everyone will get laid, or something like that…. I dunno, its been a while.
That nobel prize should have been yours.
Now THAT’S a pick up line! You the best, T-dawg!
But wasn’t that movie Russell Crowe hearing voices about Russian commies and then they electro-shocked the dillies outta him??
Tash I was totally thinking the same thing! Apparently TT never saw that movie.
And yes, that’s exactly what happened in the movie. And while he figured out that going for the 2nd hottest girl first was the way to go, he still didn’t have a good pick-up line. I think what he said to her was something along the lines of: “Can we just pretend that we’ve done all the socially acceptable things and skip right to the sex?”. Oh well, I guess economics are more his thing…
Perhaps what we really need are some good responses to such pick up lines…. “Yeah, I would totally have picked you, after your friends QQ, RR and SS…” or “How many drinks does coming in second buy me?” or “F you.”
I mean really how much can we blame the guys if a girl has never responded with how she really feels about it? “Wow, has telling a girl she was your second choice ever really worked for you? It seems like kind of a jerk move to me.”
The main issue here is these are pick up lines… from drunk guys or guys at bars. In almost all cases they are not looking for a relationship and are not interested in putting all that much time and effort in to picking you up in the first place. Hence the birth of the pick up line… fast, stupid but every now and then it just might work.
Totes, I should’ve doused TT with my jameson…or announce, “well somebody’s not gettin’ laid tonight!”
I guess some guys have no clue that their lines suck b/c all we do is ignore the bad ones.
Wait do I know TT???
-Ellie
Oh by the way I have a bad pick up line to add. “Do you know what this pen is good for? To write down telephone numbers.”
However, I must tell you when I worked at Fry’s Electronics all of the guys flocked to the women there. Fry’s had over 300 employees and 90% were male. The 10% women folk had no chance to escape without scratches. I had discovered many bad pick up lines but the worst one ever, I must share with you. As luck would have it, this line was from a customer and not an employee…which is hard to believe.
This wasn’t even a pickup line but a degrading, offensive statement. I was taking the customer’s sandwich order (a male in his 30′s…yuck) and as I asked his what toppings he wanted, he replied “you naked, on a sandwich.”
I looked at him and then just tried to ignore it and finish his order so I wouldn’t have to look at him. It made me sick, I don’t know why guys think they can away with this. The sad part is that guy did get away with it. Normally, I would have liked to give him a piece of my mind and let him know that is not okay to talk to a girl (or anyone) that way. However, he was a customer, I was an employee and I had to treat him with respect although he didn’t deserve any.
In college I wrote a “creepy guys” commentary in the school newspaper and everyone loved it! It was truthful, I asked girls about their stories with guys acting creepy and I wrote about it. I wrote how it wasn’t okay for guys to act that way, how they needed to learn respect and gain dignity. Okay I’m done!
Oh my god, that’s HORRIFIC! I commend you for staying cool, because I would have thrown sandwich fixings at him. Or turned my back and salted the hell out of his sandwich. I can’t believe that happened to you!
And no, you don’t know TT. He’s not local